Caravan of No Despair by Mirabai Starr

Author:Mirabai Starr
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sounds True

Jeff was working out of town the day of the procedure, and so my mother accompanied me to the clinic in Santa Fe. The night before, she wrote a kind of love letter about my pregnancy and my choice to end it. She wrote with reverence and poetry, lifting the tragedy into the realm of the sublime without in any way minimizing my pain. She expressed gratitude that I had the opportunity to create new life with a man I love. She affirmed the importance of a woman’s right to choose what happens to her own body, and praised the doctors and nurses who take care of us when we conceive a child and elect not to bring it into this world. Jeff, a former yogi who did not believe in petitionary prayer and had long ago dismissed the notion of a personified deity, promised he would silently chant Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram throughout the day as he stripped old key locks from hotel room doors.

Before the procedure I met with a counselor who gave me one more chance to change my mind. I did not waver. Then I had a blood test and an ultrasound to determine just how pregnant I was. More than I thought. When I glanced up at the screen, I saw a distinct black spot, about the size and shape of a kidney bean.

“Is that the baby?” I asked.

“That is the embryo, yes,” the technician told me.

“It looks . . . fine,” I said.

“Yes,” she agreed.

Someone led me into the operating room where someone else inserted a giant needle into my uterus, injected me with a local anesthetic, and left me alone to stare at the ceiling for a half an hour.

“My little bean,” I murmured. “My sweet little Mo.”

I granted myself permission to cry, but the numbness spreading through my loins seemed to have migrated to my heart. I felt nothing. I floated on the surf of my breath until the doctor came in and vacuumed little Mo from my womb.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.